I don't know why or when...

But my mom found this tonight going through some of my dad's old work papers. It looks like it was a homework assignment of mine, one where you ask you parents to write about you? I'll never know, but I do know that I'm very happy she found it.

Jamie Rose Lee is the youngest of three children. She has two older sisters, ages 18 and 19. Jamie's most avid hobby is dance. She is a natural performer and is dedicated and professional in and out. Jamie's natural demeanor is to be loving and caring. She openly displays affection; sometimes by cuddling the cats, sometimes by fighting with her sisters. Academically, someone needs to teach this child to spell. She has a vivid imagination, likes to write stories, and does well with math when she applies herself. Jamie watches too much television at times, and at times washes dishes or other chores, even if she doesn't get paid. Jamie gets along well with others, and looks forward to a good school year.

Mixed in with his work papers, she also found little poems or journal entries, old fashion blogs-if you will, and at first I felt a little uncomfortable reading them; I guess because they were stashed with work stuff, and were his private thoughts. I couldn't not read them however, because it was like jumping inside my dad's head, something many daughters have a rare chance at, especially when their father has died.

I want to share one page on here, why, I don't really know. I guess because it makes me proud? Maybe because I read it, realizing that I have felt just the same, just as confused at times.

And so the conflict- I should- but I don't want to right now-why should I? Because I am supposed to. Why am I supposed to? Because it is the right thing to do? Why is it the right thing to do? Because it is productive. Is it productive if it is not a spontaneous action or is it only pretending to be spontaneous? Is it the illusion of the mind that frames it in such black and white sentences, if so, how to dispel the illusion? Should, supposed to, outside sources, again the outward incentive as motivation, habitual reactions, familiar role of suffered heroically persevering, successful image maintenance. Image, should, supposing, constant reinforcement. Role playing. Life as cliche. Gotta be positive. Need a little spare change. Just hold out your hand, it can be arranged. Gotta look a little further, little further down the road. Always staring at your feet, crooked furrow that you hoed. Nothing like sad poetics. Good for a few good chuckles. Goodnight Chuckles.

Can't wait to shave-

Five points off for literalism.

It was written just a couple months after his first diagnosis. I guess just right before he had to shave off his beard for his surgery. My father was a smart man, and I miss him.

And someone still needs to teach me how to spell.