A letter to "J"

Dear "J" (the spam artist who defecated in a comment on my post),

Hi. How are you? How's your family? Tell your Mom I say hello, will ya? Anyways, I'm writing you because I have to admit I was a bit disappointed to see your comment on my last post. You might not realize that I get very excited to see that I have received a new comment on my blog. VERY. In fact, after being notified of a new comment via email, I immediately flew out of my chair (I have an "eject" button on the underside of my desk, just for this purpose) and ran out the front door screaming "COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!!!". I then proceeded to do three laps around my house, the first in a gallop, the second in skips, and the third in cart-wheels. This did not however leave me satisfied, so I then went around my entire block, knocking on my neighbors doors and screaming "COMMENT!?" in the face of whoever was lucky enough to answer, and giving them a big wet one right smack on the lips (I actually got a few dollars by then end of this, so BONUS!). Finally satisfied and exhausted, I returned to my computer to read my new comment.

"hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...check it out.."

WHAT.

I was SO immediately disappointed I went around the house smashing whatever breakable object I could find. Then I found Dinah, gave us both a buzz cut and together we fell into a bald heap of uncontrollable sobbing. NO. I do NOT want to go to your virus site and learn how NOT to make an extra $900 a month! SCREW you! And really? You should maybe try a blog that gets more than two views a day, because then you would MAYBE have luck finding some idiot who actually thinks they can magically make $900 extra a month, getting a "job" doing... what exactly? Spamming other blogs and creating ads on Craigslist would be my guess.

So basically, please, do not spam me. It makes me quite uncomfortable, seeing how I now have to go wig shopping and apologize to my roommates for destroying their house, and shaving their cat. All thanks to your comment. Douche Bag.

Make sure you pass on that hello...

Best,

Jamie